decadent_david: (Pensive)
[personal profile] decadent_david
[Private rambling thoughts on a cold night, as David lets his mind wander back to Cate.]

I should not have seen her. It might have been a kindness to Cate if I had kept walking, had not given in to my desires when I saw her in the park. But how could I resist that sunny smile and the way she always makes me feel like everything is right in the world? Especially now, when everything most certainly is not. She is my oasis, my comfort in a city full of maddening things.

I am sure I love her, but am not so sure what kind of love it is I hold. It is not fair to her, I could see the hope in her eyes, and I am unable to give her everything she deserves. Could I have been any more thoughtless when I told her my feelings about Hugo? I was lost in the moment, lulled by her soothing presence, I would have told her any secret right then and there. Well, some of them. Would she understand if I told her everything? Could she still accept me?

I cannot tell anyone how I've been living this past month. I simply cannot risk it, my friendships and career are at stake. Yes, career, I suppose I should admit it at least to myself. This is what I do now, I rob the rich to remain one of them. Perhaps I can tell Craig, I believe he has secrets of his own, he might understand. But, he might not. I am dependent on him for the time being for a roof over my head. I will not speak of my night travels, I will for now just have to wait and see.

Tonight, I will be working. Payment to Billy for my evening's indulgence at La Jarretière Verte wreaked havoc on my finances. I need to work, I need more money... because I need to return to the club. I know what I am paying for, it's hard for me to admit it to myself, but I know it to be true. I want him. And I am willing to have him any way that is allowed to me.
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August 2003

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