Aug. 8th, 2003

decadent_david: (Skeptical)
[Private journal entry]

My bank account is replenished, thanks to the wealthier members of Paris society. I would thank them for their contributions towards my situation, but these are those that deserve no thanks at all, they merely deserve what they get. I have been systematically working my way through the notes in my journal, the information I gathered while in Harry’s employ. As far as I am concerned, they have already stolen from others – stolen from the souls of those they abused. Relieving them of their money and possessions will never set those wrongs to right, but it does free my mind from concern for their welfare.

I wonder if it is time now for me to move. But to where? My last experience with a hotel caused me nothing but aggravation. I would again be at the mercy of inquiring desk clerks, nosey chambermaids, and owners with skeleton keys. I cannot feel secure under a hotel’s roof. A private home? There is an appeal to this notion, yet I hesitate to admit even to myself that a house with only one resident is a depressing thought. Craig’s apartment affords me privacy; he has kept his word and remained very discreet. He does not pry into my affairs, or I into his. The apartment itself is fascinating in it’s ability to offer hiding places, were I a child again I would find these walls to be a delightful playground!

For the time being, I will remain here. For the future… I can only hold out hope. I know my desire is to reconcile with Hugo, and then perhaps find that home, share it with him. Yet, he would then learn of my night prowlings. And I am not sure how he would feel about them. To risk finding happiness with him once again, then risk losing it when he realizes just how I am managing to put food on our tables, clothes on our backs… I couldn’t bear to lose him yet again.

First things first. I must speak with Hugo, we must take the time to talk, open our minds and hearts to each other’s needs. We cannot hide behind games any longer. I wish to tell him of many things. Yet I am also frightened of doing so. My entire future hinges on one conversation. Can I manage to speak my mind knowing this?

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decadent_david

August 2003

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