Letting My Mind Wander Where It Will
Mar. 3rd, 2003 12:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
decadent_david[Takes place directly after this encounter with Karl.]
I think about trying to return to the letter I was writing earlier, and then dismiss the idea. My mind is filled with thoughts not of the type to share with my mother, of all people. Why was it so difficult for me to simply admit what I wanted, and take it readily when Karl offered? Was it the giving up of control? Am I so in need of being in charge in matters of intimacy? Am I afraid another man will dominate, something no woman has ever presumed to do with me?
Or is it that I still am held in the sway of what's considered proper, according to my upbringing? I've managed to toss aside the concepts of what constitutes a responsible life, in all other respects. I hold no job. I have avoided marriage. My family has set me free in hopes I will discover the world, and myself while doing so.
What would it harm me to follow, rather than lead... I have so much to learn. I'm holding back, not letting myself explore the full gift of what Karl has so freely offered to me.
Dropping to the chair under the window, I gaze out, and find myself thinking of Karl's advice... "Perhaps you should listen to your emotions more. Sometimes the head, it gets you into trouble." Perhaps I do think about things too much.
I think about trying to return to the letter I was writing earlier, and then dismiss the idea. My mind is filled with thoughts not of the type to share with my mother, of all people. Why was it so difficult for me to simply admit what I wanted, and take it readily when Karl offered? Was it the giving up of control? Am I so in need of being in charge in matters of intimacy? Am I afraid another man will dominate, something no woman has ever presumed to do with me?
Or is it that I still am held in the sway of what's considered proper, according to my upbringing? I've managed to toss aside the concepts of what constitutes a responsible life, in all other respects. I hold no job. I have avoided marriage. My family has set me free in hopes I will discover the world, and myself while doing so.
What would it harm me to follow, rather than lead... I have so much to learn. I'm holding back, not letting myself explore the full gift of what Karl has so freely offered to me.
Dropping to the chair under the window, I gaze out, and find myself thinking of Karl's advice... "Perhaps you should listen to your emotions more. Sometimes the head, it gets you into trouble." Perhaps I do think about things too much.
